Wednesday, September 11, 2002
Life and death
I have a wide horizon when it comes to some things: sex, feelings, friendship, conversations, traveling … but there is something I cannot bring myself to deal with: death.
My husband’s grandmother died yesterday. I have already told him I won’t be going to the funeral or any of the rites involved. I didn’t go to my dad’s funeral 4 years ago either, nor my grandfather. And we were as close as family can be. It is not coldness or indifference.
When I was very young my aunt died and that is my first and last recollection of a funeral I have. I couldn’t sleep for 2 weeks after that. I remember going to bed and keeping my eyes open because if I closed it I will see the casket lying next to my bed. I remember having nightmares of my dead aunt dresses in white, her skin pale and cold, as I have seen it in the casket. Those images never went away and that is how I remember her, although she was a very happy and vivacious person. I saw pictures of her many times after that, I forced myself to bring back memories of her before she passed away, but it didn’t work. Te only image that appears in my head when I remember her is the one in the casket, a white and cold image that scares me.
So I have never gone to a funeral after that. Not even my own dad. I didn’t want to risk remembering him that way. And when people suffer a loss of a loved one I just hug them but say as little as possible. I don’t think there is anything you can say that would make them feel better, it didn’t work for me. People would came and try to console me, tell me how great a person my dad was. Well, I knew that! I didn’t want to hear it like that was news, I just wanted for everybody to leave me alone. And so that’s what I do when somebody losses a loved one.
I have a wide horizon when it comes to some things: sex, feelings, friendship, conversations, traveling … but there is something I cannot bring myself to deal with: death.
My husband’s grandmother died yesterday. I have already told him I won’t be going to the funeral or any of the rites involved. I didn’t go to my dad’s funeral 4 years ago either, nor my grandfather. And we were as close as family can be. It is not coldness or indifference.
When I was very young my aunt died and that is my first and last recollection of a funeral I have. I couldn’t sleep for 2 weeks after that. I remember going to bed and keeping my eyes open because if I closed it I will see the casket lying next to my bed. I remember having nightmares of my dead aunt dresses in white, her skin pale and cold, as I have seen it in the casket. Those images never went away and that is how I remember her, although she was a very happy and vivacious person. I saw pictures of her many times after that, I forced myself to bring back memories of her before she passed away, but it didn’t work. Te only image that appears in my head when I remember her is the one in the casket, a white and cold image that scares me.
So I have never gone to a funeral after that. Not even my own dad. I didn’t want to risk remembering him that way. And when people suffer a loss of a loved one I just hug them but say as little as possible. I don’t think there is anything you can say that would make them feel better, it didn’t work for me. People would came and try to console me, tell me how great a person my dad was. Well, I knew that! I didn’t want to hear it like that was news, I just wanted for everybody to leave me alone. And so that’s what I do when somebody losses a loved one.
